eyes wide open

So, AA and I have been doing some pre-marital counselling. And I have to say, I thoroughly recommend it! It's been a really wonderfully positive process for us both. I know there are probably people out there who think we must be nuts for doing it. I know there are definitely friends I wouldn't tell that we are doing this. They just wouldn't understand, think we're weird or assume that must mean we're having problems already or something.

But this is our thinking - We're not getting married in a church. We're not even getting an official wedding celebrant for our wedding. But we still think the process of taking a moment to sit, reflect and constructively talk about our relationship is a really valuable exercise to go through. It's so easy to get lost in the details of creating a wedding, that you can get swept away with all the activity and almost forget what this is all about!

This is NOT just about one day. I cringe whenever I hear someone refer to this as 'YOUR BIG DAY!' Firstly - they will often direct this statement to the bride only. It seems to be based on the assumption that all women have been planning their weddings since they were little girls. And secondly, while this is definitely a momentous occasion - cause for much celebration and we certainly hope to come away from our wedding ceremony and reception feeling it was a really great event for everyone there and that we were swept up in a wonderful event, enveloped by the love of our closest friends and family - this is meant to be just the start of a journey that we're going to continue together for the rest of our lives. This is just the start! And the rest of our days together are going to last a whole lot longer than just this one day!

When I first broached the topic with AA, he totally jumped in and said 'let's do it!' I thought - oh yeah, I have a keeper!

Plus I figure - seriously, when else do you have an opportunity to sit down and really talk about your relationship other than pre-marital counselling…. or once you already have a relationship problem that you need professional help with? And what is that thing you hear all too often, when couples go in once the problems have become embedded and they've left it too late? Why not talk about how things are going so far, you are deciding to get married afterall. You're committing yourself to this relationship - why not talk about how you're going and see how you can improve on that even more as we enter this life as lifelong partners?

But, it also got me thinking. A friend once suggested to me that it would be really great if, as well has having an annual physical check up, people could go in to see their GP or whoever and have an annual mental/ emotional check up. Our lives are so fast paced these days, it can be so hard to find a moment to breathe and reflect on what's going on. And further to that, imagine if it was the norm to be able to periodically go in and have a relationship check up? I guess there's nothing stopping you from doing either of these things. Perhaps we just need to remind ourselves, perhaps even go to the extent of scheduling for ourselves, time to sit and reflect on our lives and how they are going every now and then.

Anyway, the pre-marital counselling's been great. We researched a few options online. Relationships Australia run courses. They sounded a little too pro-forma for our liking though. First session you do this big questionnaire each and then you sit down with a counsellor to go through your answers from there etc.. Then we found another couple of Melbourne psychologists and counsellors who sound like they offered more personalised services and that interested us more.

Then we came across this site and were interested in what we read on line. There were a couple of e-books available for sale so we bought and downloaded them, and really liked what he had to say and the down to earth way he wrote. So we booked in! First session was definitely a little nerve wracking but it was fine. We get sent away with 'homework' - a few questions that we answer each, swap with each other, and talk about before and during the session. About ourselves, our personalities, our similarities, our differences, our values, our life goals, our relationship goals, our histories, our family histories and relationships… and most valuably, ways we can bring our different strengths together, to learn from and grow together.

In short, I highly recommend it! Sure it's a little scary, but I'm really glad we've done it. At times it's been confronting but mostly, it's really helped highlight how clearly we see each other, and how clearly we are seen by the other, and I feel so lucky to realise just how much my partner loves and understands me. It's really strengthening to know we're both committed to making our relationship the best that it can be that we were willing to go through this process, as daunting as it may have seemed. And it's enabled us to speak about things that we may have both just thought about but never specifically articulated to each other.